There’s been some radio silence on the blog lately, and for that I apologize. I just haven’t had very much to say. It’s not that nothing has been happening. A lot has been happening actually, life sort of did a flip flop on me. A big one. And it’s all sort of apropos. College conditioned me to expect a major life shake-up every May. Whoever’s idea it was to make college students put their entire life on hold for three months every summer and figure out something completely different and somewhat impressive to do until getting back to life as usual was sort of a jerk. I for one appreciate consistency–living in the same place for more than nine months at a time, knowing what to expect out of a day, a month, a year. But, unfortunately, life does not cater to what I appreciate. I’m getting used to that fact, expecting inconsistency, beginning to be unsurprised by jarring change. And hoping that maybe at some point in the future I won’t be packing moving boxes every few months.
The short story of it is this: Isaiah is quitting his job because it was terrible in a not grin-and-bear-it way which means that we need to move because our living situation was tied to the job. We went on a long walk around our neighborhood on a Monday night and decided this together, him excited, holding my hand and imagining the possibilities, and me crying, terrified at the prospect of not knowing what was coming next. We know a little more now. We found an amazing apartment in our favorite neighborhood right away for far too cheap, a sign and wonder if I’ve ever seen one, good favor lavished and sprinkled like manna from heaven, and I got a job at a favorite coffee shop for when nannying ends with the end of the school year. So much new, so much different, so much to anticipate. I’m stuck in the anticipation.
You see, we move June 1st. I’m living for June 1st. Everything will change June 1st to the point that I’m going to London with my mother and sister for five days on June 1st and when I get back I’ll have a new apartment, a new life. It’s wild, and I’m ready to move right this second. June 1st can’t come fast enough. I want to skip the rest of May and catapult myself into June and all of its promise. June busting out all over. But that’s not how life is. Plans are made and then you have to wait for it. Plans change, dates are set, and then there is the tedious part of living in-between. Training for new jobs. Packing up boxes of things. Waiting for current tenants to move out. Finishing out the last few weeks of being a nanny. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, biding time and waiting some more. It makes me feel like these days aren’t real, like they are only avenues to somewhere else, like I have nothing to say about myself or my life until June 1st and all its abundance.
But that’s not the right way to live, nor does it even match up with how life is. One of my best friends in the world is getting married next weekend, solidly in May. I want to be there for that, I don’t want to skip ahead to miss that. I’m going to London, LONDON, for the first time and I don’t want to be distracted the whole time daydreaming of hanging pictures on the wall and how my commute will be. There is a lot of life happening right here, right now. I am having whole days, morning, noons, nights, talking to people, seeing trees and flowers, asking questions, smiling, thinking. Right now is important even though my anticipatory heart wants to skip over it.
So I’m confessing my difficulty with being in-between. I’m terrible at it. I’m the worst! Being aware that I am wrapping up a moment of my life only makes me want to shoot myself immediately into the next. Packing up my college dorm rooms always made me want to skip the drive home and find myself two weeks later already settled in my next thing. I don’t appreciate being disoriented. But I need to learn. I’m a Class-A terrible in-betweener, trying to race ahead to the new normal, skip the transitions and land right in the routines, letting my mind wander a little too far away, around a corner somewhere where I can’t see it anymore. I’m sorry about this. I’m sorry that I haven’t had much to say. My brain’s been in June along with my heart and my stories. I’ll try to stay in May a bit longer, tether my brain to my body, enjoy the things happening right here right now. June will come soon enough. But, for now, I’m here.
A little list of things that are happening right now, to cure a case of in-betweening:
- Training for my new coffee shop job
- Reading Heartburn by Nora Ephron
- Trying to get rid of old clothes (so sentimental but so overloaded)
- Looking for a kitchen table on Craigslist
- Listening to Seu Jorge
- Enjoying time with Isaiah, always
- Figuring out what I can eat that won’t make my stomach feel terrible, a new challenge. Mercifully, pizza isn’t too bad.
- Watching a lot of Girls thanks to a free trial from HBO Now. I’m all about free trials.
- Feeling bored with babysitting. Ready for it to be over.
- Turning my face toward the sun when it’s out, and smelling lots of flowers
- Wanting a cat
- Eating churros, thanks to the discovery of an amazing churro shop in Pilsen that I didn’t know existed
- Spending our pennies (which Isaiah found mostly on the streets of Chicago) on pie. A triumph of these in-between times if I’ve ever seen one.